Defenseless

Emotions overwhelm me.
Everywhere I look.
Everywhere I go.
I can not see, I can not breathe. 
I only feel. 
Disappointment.
Shame. 
Sadness. 

Erupting from the deepest
Corners of my heart and soul. 
They attack my thoughts-
Ravaging my mind.
No escape. 
Desperate to end it all.

The pressure rises-
I begin to crack.
Nasty words.
Unfair judgements.
Constant failures. 
I am broken.
Reduced to
A walking shell
Of who I once was. 

No longer am I
The girl who had friends,
Who loved,
And forgave. 
The girl who understood,
Who had fun,
The one who got good grades.

Now I am but a shadow-
A ghost of my former self.
A captive inside
The prison that is my mind. 
Powerless. 
Hopeless.
Defenseless.

The War Within 

Sweet words laced with indifference fall like acid rain from your lips, each polluted droplet sending shivers of both delight and disgust down my spine; half my heart a hopeless romantic, foolish and naive- the other that of a jilted lover, jaded and untrusting. I am at war with myself.

Your arms surround me, pulling me closer and closer, until there is nothing but thin cotton separating our bodies. The battle within intensifies. Reason retreats, overcome by the heat radiating from your chest, and for a fleeting moment, I allow myself to believe you actually have a heart- silly girl.

Eyes the sweetest shade of brown stare into mine, and I am overcome with the desire to lose myself in their darkest depths. My thoughts swim, the voice of reason in my mind no longer audiable, lost in a sea of sentiment; as am I. In an instant of clarity, memories of moments your perfectly crafted facade fell away fill my mind. Moments your defenses failed you, moments allowing a glimpse into the cold, hollow void within. I break my stare, tearing my eyes from yours and gradually, my head begins to clear. Stones of indifference encase my heart once more, held together by reason; the victorious.

I am mine (yours)

I am mine (yours)
In the early morning, when the sunlight
And the Earth meet outside my window,
Greeting one another like lazy lovers.
The air in between warming slowly
Until it reaches the same temperature
As I do each time your hand brushes against mine.

I am mine (yours)
In the driver’s seat of my beat up dodge,
With the windows rolled all the way down-
My hair whipping wildly around my face
As I sing along to the song on the radio
And smile, because each word reminds me
Of another thing I love so much about you.

I am mine (yours)
In the comfort of my bedroom,
Laying in time worn pajamas on my mattress,
Imagining your body laying next to mine,
Molding against me the way it always does.
I stare at my familiar red walls and wonder-
At what point did things change?
I am mine (yours)

Stealing kisses 

Rain streaked windows and cloudy skies
Remind me of days spent lying in bed
Wrapped in black cotton sheets and your Arms, a tangle of limbs and lips
I never wanted to unravel.

Moonlit snow glows on a cold winter night,
Sparking memories of warm hands Intertwined with mine,
Thawing my frigid fingers and unwittingly, My heart.

People scurry past, the minute bells urgent ring resounding in my mind.
Thoughts of stolen kisses fill my head and I can almost feel your lips against mine once more. Almost.

But the knot we wove with our bodies wasn’t strong enough,
And the hands that once warmed my heart
Fell away, leaving it a melted mess.
Now I rush to class, beating the bells to avoid the sight of her with you,
Stealing kisses that once belonged to me.

If I could ask God.

I have never been a religious person.
I have been to church only once
In my entire 18 years on this earth,
And hated every second.
I have never read the bible,
nor do I even own one.

Though my faith is lacking at best,
And nonexistent at worst,
I often think of God,
And how He is said
To have created us in His own image.
Each person supposedly crafted to Perfection in the eyes of our Creator.

I wonder if this is true, and if so,
Why He would choose
To make any one person
As difficult to love
As He made me.

If I could ask God,
All knowing and almighty God,
A single question,
I would ask Him-
If He made me this hard to love
Because He believes that He is hard to love as well.

Kite

It’s like I’m a kite.
Flying, soaring high,
So very high
On a single breeze.

The wind dies down.
Suddenly I’m on
A downward spiral,
Twisting.
Turning.
My mind and body
Bending at grotesque angles
As I fall.

I crash and burn
Right into reality.
A mangled heap of thought.
The safety of my subconscious
Broken.

Leaving me
Alone.
Exposed.
Helpless.
My deluded version
Of the world-
Gone.

Eternity

Faster and faster-
The air beneath my feet gives way.
I tumble endlessly.
Silence my only companion.
The deafening roar of oblivion
Comforts me in an odd way,
As I continue my journey
Into the nothingness
I now call home.

“Clean Slate”

New year, new me
Or so the saying goes.
How naive one must be
To believe that “time”,
A man made construct
Could bring about change
All on it’s own.

As if January 1st
Is a day any different
From the day before
Or the day after.

As if the ticking hands
Of a clock could wipe away
The mistakes of the past,
Leaving a clean slate in their wake.

Consumed 

Fire is what I was.
My passion raging within
The walls of my chest,
An inferno roaring through
My veins. Glorious and daunting.
All consuming.

Ice is what I became.
Frigid, my heart of
Stone unable to beat.
My fire fizzled, a
Captive of my wintery
Prison. Cold and Indifferent.
All consuming.

The ice will thaw, and
The fire will fade, and
I will be left numb.
My emotional reservoir
Drained. Reduced to
An empty shell. Blank and detached.
All consumed.